The boy has been at his first Scout Camp since Monday, hiked in the high Uintas and slept outdoors in a shelter he put together himself instead of a proper, zipped up tent, ate fish he caught, was named best hiker out of approximately 20 scouts, and the list of awesomeness continues. Despite all of this, I thought he would be happy to see me, that he might miss me. But no, he acted embarrassed by me or something--I don't know what.
When we pulled up to the parking area for the Family Night, he ran to the car, ran right up to his dad, and then I just don't remember much except for him not wanting to be near me and getting bugged by me being my photograph-taking self. I have missed him so very much. way more than I anticipated because life has just been difficult. He is an older brother tween with ADHD, which equals a garbage load of pestering, time-wasting, demanding, crying and complaining occurring on a regular basis. All of that said, I have sorely missed his quirky sense of humor, his helpfulness when he is able to focus, the sensitivity and compassion he shows his family (under normal circumstances), and just him. My boy is a sweet soul to be in company with.
They get to choose Jif and boxed cereals.
Choosy moms choose Jif. Kid-tested, Mother-approved?
I am not a boy, nor do I want to be one, so I am unsure what is going on inside. It hurts to think that he does not like who I am and is ashamed or he fosters anything contrary to love and respect for me. How can a broken heart be broken again? Send your boy off to Scout Camp. Talk about a rude awakening.
The only positive thing I can think to do is to tell myself that the boy is normal and what just happened might be par for the course in the game of life, he still loves me, but doesn't know how to show it because of his age and our family circumstances are weighing on his tender heart.
And someday, he will learn to care enough to show me no matter what circumstances are in the way.
Until then, I pray to my Father in Heaven for strength and keep on hoping.
|photograph by C. Nava|
Be still, my crushed heart.